Professional relationships

By Timothy Allinson, P.E.

Murray Company, Long Beach, Calif.

You betray yourself by the manner in which you react to a certain face. To a certain kind of face...The style of your soul...There's nothing important on earth, except human beings. There's nothing as important about human beings as their relations to one another... -- Ayn Rand

Traditionally, in October I write about engineering horror stories in honor of Halloween. In the past year I haven't really had any notable horror stories of a technical nature, so I decided to reflect on the relationship blunders I have had over the years. Surely many of you can relate. Hopefully, some may even learn from my errors.

I have heard and read a well-known quote of unknown origin: "People will forget what you do. They will forget what you say, but they will never forget how you make them feel." While I don't agree with this quote entirely, it does hold a great deal of validity, especially for the average person who does not "do" or "say" anything of widespread notoriety during their stay on earth. People do remember how you make them feel.

Over the course of the past 20-odd years I have had relational successes with industry professionals who were known to be virtually impossible to embrace, I have had relational failures with others with whom I should have easily bonded, and I have had relationships turn from grand to ruin. How does this happen? Professional relationships are extremely important. What determines their success and failure?

As one would say for any relationship, it usually comes down to communication. True, there are other dynamics in play, such as common interests and personality fit, but without good communication any relationship can and will deteriorate.

Nothing beats face-to-face communication, where you can see a person's expression and absorb the full intent of their words. When that is not practical, the telephone is the next best alternative, since you can hear the tone of a person's voice and grasp greater meaning than from the written word.

The process and means of professional communication has changed a great deal in the relatively short time I have been in this industry. When I first started working, the fax machine had just recently been invented and few companies owned one. Written communication traveled via snail mail, unless it "absolutely, positively had to be there overnight," in which case FedEx would be employed (noting that at the time, FedEx had no competition). The advent of the fax machine forced FedEx to change their slogan and allowed an even faster means of written communication.

It is important to note that, since written letters required "word processing" and were typically written by hand, typed, and later returned for proofreading and signature, there was an elevated level of care put into the written word, regardless of how the finished letter traveled. The writing process was relatively slow. The author knew that another person would review his words as they were typed, which might affect the tone of the letter. The time elapsed between writing and proofreading might further change the tone of the letter as the author's mood changed or the circumstances around the subject developed. Letters were quite a formal means of communication and were scripted accordingly.

And then there was e-mail, and everything changed. Written communication became instantaneous. This is where I have got myself into trouble. The problem with e-mail is that it lacks the expression of face-to-face dialogue, the tone of telephone conversation and the care of formal letters. Accordingly, the tone of e-mail can easily be misinterpreted. I have misinterpreted some e-mail as "shouting," because it was written in all capital letters, but some people just type that way -- especially CAD operators who leave their Caps Lock on, since the text on their drawings is always capitalized.

Others have interpreted my e-mail as angry when it was never intended so, but after rereading it I could understand how it might come across that way if you read anger into it. I have learned that, with e-mail, one has to be overly emphatic about tone so that it is not misinterpreted.

Another problem with e-mail communication is that one tends to respond immediately, and this can be a bad thing if the subject is an emotional one or incorrectly perceived as an emotional one. The response lacks any sort of cooling off period. E-mail then lingers. People can read it over and over again, steep in the perceived mood of it and forward it to other people. This can cause emotional confusion to fester and spread.

Probably the biggest e-mail blunder I ever made was sending a "Reply All" e-mail written as if it were purely interoffice correspondence when, in fact, our client -- the very top boss of our client - was on the "Reply All" list, and I hadn't noticed. To fully appreciate this I must describe the setting.

I was in New York City visiting family and friends, in a bar, at about 6 p.m. Eastern time. I had sent the fateful e-mail while killing time on a layover earlier that day. In the "Reply All" e-mail I had disagreed with a statement made by one of our most seasoned project managers but thought little of the disagreement "between us boys." But, as I said, others were copied whom I hadn't noticed.

In the bar, my cell phone rings. I glance at it, and I realize it's the president of my company calling me from California. I dash out into the freezing cold night air in my tee shirt to catch the call outside the noise of the bar. My boss proceeds to read me the riot act (for the first and hopefully last time) for contradicting a senior project manager in front of our client. Dumbfounded, I realized I hadn't sufficiently scanned the CC list. It was, quite literally, a very sobering experience.

Another fairly recent e-mail blunder caused what was a very strong client relationship to diminish significantly -- hopefully not permanently. I had raised an issue via e-mail that required immediate attention. After a few days, I realized that I hadn't seen a response, so I followed up with a fairly curt e-mail, noting that my first e-mail had been met with "resounding silence." Well, shame on me, because the e-mail had, in fact, been answered, and the answer had escaped my attention. In my defense, the reply was not sent directly, but via the project's Internet site -- the latest form of frustrating electronic communication. Almost every large project these days has its own project management site, meaning that there is an e-mailbox for nearly every project I am working on, and they all require attention. But the reality was that the issue had been addressed, and I should have covered all my bases before communicating aggressively.

In researching this article I discovered a fairly new book on professional communication written by Dennis Adams. In it he describes the two main communication styles: Passive - quiet, reticent, unresponsive or even silent and Reactive - loud, aggressive, demanding and "in your face." Adams offers a simple strategy for communicating with anyone, by being honest, direct, and respectful. In fact, that is the title of his book. While I think his two extremes of communication styles are an oversimplification, his approach of being honest, direct, and respectful is an excellent one. I have always found that people appreciate direct communication as long as it is truthful, and especially when it is delivered with respect. Even terrible news can be received surprisingly well when it is delivered in this fashion -- something to keep in mind when proofreading your future e-mails.

Timothy Allinson is a Senior Professional Engineer with Murray Company, Mechanical Contractors, in Long Beach, Calif. Prior to entering the design--build industry he worked for Popov Engineers, Inc. in Irvine, Calif, and JB&B in New York City. Tim holds a BSME from Tufts University and an MBA from New York University. He is a professional engineer licensed in both mechanical and fire protection engineering in various states, and is a leed Accredited Professional. Tim is a past-president of ASPE, both the New York and Orange County Chapters, and sits on the board of the Society of American Military Engineers, Orange County Post.